Remember when you were like 14 years old playing little league baseball, and that one kid came out of nowhere. That roided out kid, he started striking everyone out and was kind of a dick. Yeah, I don’t remember that either… I didn’t fucking play baseball. Who would even give a 14 year old steroids anyway?
Responsible American consumers, that’s who.
Sooner or later, everybody’s gonna get lung cancer from trying to look cool smoking a cigarette, and this whole hipster thing is gonna go away. You see it coming, I see it coming, and the American Cancer Society sees it coming.
But something has to replace it. People will need a new thing to buy into, a new image to own. Such is the reservoir of my worry.
A company that rhymes with “spiky” has recently been pumping approximately .0000000002 % of their annual revenue into surfing. That’s about ten billion dollars. Puberty does not stand a chance when pitted against steroids.
Years ago, any *real* surfer would have laughed at the notion of Nike taking over surfing. Years and years ago, a surfer would have looked at you with eyes long lost in the throes of lysergic acid diethylamide and replied, “What’s a Nike?”. Regardless, those sly dogs have snuck their way into surfing. And with fedoras now being sold at K-Mart, right next to the “Dragon Ball-Z” t-shirts, a new trend must step up to make this artsy shit seem as silly as balloon pants and MC Hammer. Could Nike be the answer? Jocksters?
Exploitation. The swoosh is not in this game for fun. The swoosh has eyes that can only comprehend figures. These eyes never see blurriness at 3 am, are never glassy at 8 am. Lysergic what? Nike wants only your money. Surfing was once the sport of Kings, then the sport of outcasts, of rebels, of cool. It should never be the sport of jocks.
If Nike took over, I would be vanquished from the surf industry, treated as if I had congressionally represented the state of New York and put a picture of my boner on twitter. Truth is, I hate the muscle maker grill.
What happens if you win? You get an exquisite hooker with Tiger Woods? I hope so, cause that seems like waaay more fun than doing lunch with Julian Wilson.
Obviously, should the Jockster become the next trend, the level of surfing would dramatically increase. But seriously, what’s more important to you: leading an existence centered purely around having fun or doing a backflip on a penis shaped chunk of polyurethane and fiberglass?
*Stubborn refusal to ever use the word “hardcore”. Ever.